Flirting With Disaster
 
Dear Dr. Diana,
 
A couple of years ago, I developed a relationship with another woman that was inappropriate.
Without going into detail, we were intimate but not completely.  My wife found some notes that my friend had written me and suspected that I had an affair.  In an effort to appease her, I told her that I was just supporting a coworker going through a rough time. Somehow, she knew that I wasn’t being truthful; our relationship that was already having problems seems to keep getting worse.  She is angry and critical of me all the time.   I'm afraid if I tell her the truth that she will never let it go.  She'll hound me about it for the rest of our lives.  And yet, it's been a year since she found the notes and it keeps coming up between us.  I don't want to get divorced.  We have a good life together.  How can we get past this?
 
                                                - Anonymous
 
Dear Mr. Anonymous,
 
While infidelity often results in divorce, on occasion, with a lot of mutual effort on the couples’ part, it can be the stimulus to improve the marriage. With affairs of all kinds, the biggest challenge is reestablishing trust.  The person who was cheated on has an extremely difficult time getting past it.  If the person who did the cheating does the work that is necessary to rebuild trust then possibly over a period of several years (I’m sorry to say) trust may be restored.  It doesn’t matter that you didn’t go all the way. What matters is that you had an affair that involved sexual and emotional intimacy.
 
It sounds like you and your wife have some negative patterns that interfere with being able to talk in general.  You may be trying to keep the peace or protect yourself from her wrath but it’s not working so far. You may need to tell your wife about your relationship in order to move past it.  But maybe you need to till the soil first by having some intimate conversations on how you can communicate with each other better.   Research shows that something as simple as taking time to understand each other with an open heart can help to reestablish a positive emotional bond.
 
It can also help if you identify your recurring negative cycle as a couple. For example, a partner may be angry, pushy, and critical, when underneath, they are hurt and frustrated at the lack of connection in the relationship.  Instead of talking about their hurt and frustration, they complain and criticize which pushes the person they want to be close to even further away.  Then they become even more frustrated and voila, a vicious negative cycle develops.
 
If you find that you still can’t reach each other and feel safe to talk about what you need to, you may need a couples’ counselor to facilitate the process.  I recommend that in the meantime, you and your wife read, “Hold Me Tight,” by Sue Johnson, Ph.D.  This book offers a research proven approach for creating and strengthening adult loving relationships.
 
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Realistic Love for Stepparents

Dear Dr. Diana,

I was an unwed, young single mom.  When I married my husband, my son was fifteen years old and his daughters were eight and ten.   I was so excited to have a real family and have daughters.    Six years later, things haven’t turned out as I’d hoped.   My son is away at college and my stepdaughters are teenagers.   I have tried to be the best stepmother that I could even though it’s been difficult.  My faith is strong and love has always been my motto.  But even though I’ve tried to be kind and patient all these years, my relationship with my stepdaughters is still very strained. 

My husband says that they are teenagers and that is all it is.  He thinks that our relationships will get better as they get older.  But lately, I’ve been losing hope.  I’m also frustrated that my husband isn’t more assertive with his ex-wife.  She speaks badly about him to their daughters and makes it difficult for us to see them.  When we do have them, she interrupts our time by calling them constantly.  Does this kind of situation ever really change or do I need to adjust my expectations and accept that this is how things will always be?

-          Wanting  to be a realist

Dear Aspiring Realist,

Often times, the thing that causes us the most pain is wishing that things were different than they are. So, yes, I think it’s a great idea to adjust your expectations accordingly and accept that this is how things are now.   None of us know how things will be in the future.   Anything can happen at any time. The best thing that you can do is exactly what you have been doing: take the high road and be a kind and stable presence in the lives of your stepchildren (you don’t need to be a saint; you’re only human but just do your best).   Depending on the individual personalities of your stepdaughters, your relationships may bloom once they have moved away from home and are on their own.

 Just for the record, relationships between stepmothers and stepdaughters tend to be especially challenging.   When fathers remarry, girls tend to be more territorial and competitive with their stepmother than boys are.  Girls may also identify with their mother and feel more conflicted about bonding with their stepmother –feeling that if they do so, they are betraying their mother.  In these cases, the nicer the stepmother is, the more it kicks up these issues for the kids.  Its tricky navigating this slippery slope of keeping your heart open and showing interest in them, while being sensitive to where they are at – assuming that you can accurately figure that out.  Sometimes, the situation requires the mother to give her blessing and encouragement for her daughters to be open to a relationship with their stepmother.  In your case, it sounds like their mother is still angry which keeps the girls in the middle.  It’s probably very uncomfortable for them as well.

Sometimes, with divorce, no matter how much a stepparent or a biological parent tries, the relationships continue to be strained.  This can be especially painful for biological fathers who have lost time with their kids when the original family broke up.  It is understandable that it’s frustrating when your husband doesn’t stand up to his ex-wife; but with high conflict people, it doesn’t always work.  He’s probably learned to pick and choose his battles carefully. 

Bottom line: Being a stepparent (or a biological parent for that matter) confronts us with the impossibility of controlling life.  All we can do is rise to the occasion and be our best.    Sometimes, this requires that we tailor our expectations, pull back, or change course.   But ultimately, continue to love your stepdaughters in your own way, because it is who you are and what you want to experience.  Always come back to that as your rudder – and it will help you find your way.

Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist psy#12476 in private practice.  Her office is in Rancho Santa Fe, California.  She specializes in couples counseling and blended families.  (858) 259-0146 www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com

Why Do Married Men Cheat?

Dear Dr. Diana,

I read your article about cheating last week. Why do married men say they want to meet someone? I’ve been with a married man for two years now only because he is the someone that I have always wanted. He told me he was falling in love with me and then after 16 months I asked do you love me and he said "I CAN'T" What does that mean? I’m thinking about moving away to get out of the situation. If men say they are unhappy why don’t they leave? 

-         The other woman

Dear Other Woman,

 Rather than write a discourse on why married men cheat, let’s turn it around. Why would a woman knowingly date a married man who is still living with his wife? What is going on with you?  I can tell you that some women say that it’s fun and exciting without being confining.  Often no one anticipates that it will get serious. And hey, there is nothing to be afraid of because after all he’s married.  But I wonder if a woman who gets involved with married men has never had an experience of being able to count on a solid, safe connection with a man - let alone a romantic partner.  Deep down, she doesn’t trust that a man will stick around and be committed to her anyway, so she gets to have a relationship without getting her hopes up.  But in the end, when an attachment develops, she gets hurt anyway.  Your reasons may be different but it’s hard to believe that it’s merely that ‘he is the someone that you’ve always wanted’.  With so many fish in the sea, there must be more to it than that.  With some earnest soul searching, you’ll likely discover that your true answer lies within you.

Now, back to your original question, why do men cheat?  There are varying opinions regarding this question.  Some anthropologists say that men crave sexual variety.  Others dispute this using the argument that more men are monogamous than not.  One anthropologist suggests that romantic love, attachment, and sex drive are not always in the same area of the brain making it easy for some folks to compartmentalize different relationships.

I think that most often people are longing to feel connected and appreciated.  Sometimes, that’s easier to come by in the early limerence stage of a relationship, when it’s fresh and unencumbered by complicated history or the daily grind.  Also, couples may not know how to make their relationship work and feel angry, lonely and afraid of true intimacy.  Most of the time, people who have affairs are looking to have some unmet need met.  They aren’t usually looking to leave their marriage.  For the married or for the unwed, most people agree that having an affair rarely turns out to be a good solution to one’s unhappiness. 

Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D.  is a Licensed Psychologist psy#12476 specializing in relationships, pre-marital counseling, couples counseling, and blended families.  Her private practice is in Rancho Santa Fe, California, 92067.  You can reach her @ (858) 259-0146 or www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com

 The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families

When Is It Cheating?

Dear Dr. Diana,

Unfortunately for my children and me, after ten years of marriage, I found out that my husband finds monogamy boring.  He believes that all relationships get stale over time and that it’s only natural to wander.  He was a good father and a good provider and he wanted me to look the other way to his indiscretions.   We divorced two years ago due to irreconcilable differences.

I’m dating someone and we’ve been going to lots of holiday parties.  He’s a gregarious, outgoing guy who is a lot of fun.  But I’m uncomfortable with the way he flirts with other women right in front of me.  He says that I’m too sensitive and just being insecure.  He says that everyone flirts but not everyone cheats.  He thinks that I’m letting my experience in my marriage get in the way of ‘the health of our relationship.’ My friends have mixed opinions and I don’t know what’s reasonable anymore.  I only know that I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.  Where are the lines? And when is it cheating?

-          Confused divorcee

Dear  Confused,

Healthy relationships require couples to feel safe with each other.  They trust that their partner has their best interest at heart and will not intentionally hurt them.   Your boyfriend is right; not everyone who flirts has affairs.  But every couple has their own lines for what’s okay and what’s not.  And it’s important to be with someone who cares and respects where your comfort zone is or is not.  Flirting can be a slippery slope; at its hottest it can give off the vibe of availability in a way that suggests that cheating is indeed an option.

 There are different temperatures of flirting.   There are couples in which both find flirting natural and think nothing of it.  Sometimes it’s purely social and an attempt to flatter or connect. For some people it’s a style of relating; but push come to shove they would never act on a flirtation.   And then there is highly sexualized flirting where people are letting others know that they find them attractive and may even be available.  Most people faced with watching their partner communicate with another person in that fashion would feel uncomfortable.  

Bottom line, every couple has a unique lock and key fit.  In healthy, happy relationships, knowing how to help your partner feel emotionally safe is a critical component.  There is nothing wrong with altering one’s flirting behavior if the other partner is uncomfortable.   Sometimes, all that is needed is a small alteration but it can go a long way toward gaining trust.  It’s great that you and your boyfriend are talking about what your preferences are because you never know what the other person is going to come up with unless you ask.  Just like the little boy whose pregnant mom asked him if he’d prefer a baby sister or a baby brother?  And he said, “If it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable Mom, I’d rather have a pony.”

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The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families
 
Is Divorce the Best Option?
 
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
 
I am in a bad marriage.  We fight all the time and have very little in common any more besides our children.  For a long time now, I've thought that we should hang in there for the sake of the children but I'm starting to think that we aren't doing them any favors by doing so.  The dread of all the change involved in getting divorced is starting to pale compared to the pain of staying in the marriage.  My youngest asks me about once a month, "are you and and Daddy getting divorced?"  I know we are not supposed to fight in front of the kids but we can't seem to help ourselves; besides the hostility between us is palpable even when we are not overtly fighting.  We've been to counseling in the past and nothing seems to really help.  Could it be that divorce is the best option for the whole family?
 
-Pondering divorce
 
Dear Pondering,
 
Many people struggle with this dilemma of having grown apart from their spouse but not wanting to unravel the life that they've built together.  Ideally, children live with a loving mother and father under one roof.  But when the marriage has deteriorated to the point that you are describing, I can see why you are considering other alternatives.  There is more than one way to raise a family.  Blended families (in which at least one of the adults has a child from a previous relationship) currently out number traditional nuclear family structures.  Sometimes, when there is a lot of fighting and unhappiness in the home, children express relief when their parents separate.   As you probably already know, one of the worst things for kids is to be caught in the middle of ongoing hostility storms between their parents.  Psychologically, they sometimes think that they are the cause (irrationally or unconsciously) of your conflicts.  Furthermore, children are skillful observers and learn about relationships by watching their parents.  So, what do you want your children to learn?  If you and your husband can't find your way back to a loving friendship or peaceful co-habiting, some other alternative may be preferable for everyone concerned. 
 
As we all know, it takes two to tango.  Even if you and your husband divorce, you'll still have to interact for co-parenting sake.  I recommend that you do some soul searching to understand your own role in these marital problems.  Sometimes, when we do our own work and change the way we look at things -our relationships unexpectedly shift.  Perhaps you can write down some specifics about how you'd like your relationship with your husband to change.  Forget about his behavior for a moment and ask yourself how would you behave if the two of you were getting along or better yet, in love.  And then try to behave that way.  So in other words, I suggest that you focus on trying to reduce the discord on your end and think of it as practice for if you have to get along as co-parents.  Treat him as you would like to be treated.  And you are right, if you and your husband decide to divorce or if you decide to stay married, keeping hostility out of the mix or at least away from your children is of the utmost importance.
 
 
 Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist psy#12476 is in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe and Carmel Valley, California.
You can reach her at (858) 259-0146 or www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com


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  The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families

Are Stepfathers and Fathers Equal?

Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,

My husband and I have been quarreling about my kids.  When we married five years ago, my children were all still under 10 years old.  My husband was so great with my kids, its’ part of what made me fall in love with him.  Since the divorce, my ex-husband hasn’t been very involved with the children, which has worried me because I think they need a man in their lives.  This has made their relationship with their stepdad even more important. He doesn’t have kids of his own and it seemed like in his heart, he adopted them as his own.

But since they’ve become teenagers, he seems much less involved.  I know that adolescence is a challenging time, but I think the kids need his involvement more than ever.  I feel like my husband has dropped the ball on his commitment to be there for the kids.  He tells me that he loves them and is there for them but things just don’t seem the same.  I’m feeling angry and resentful.  Can you shed any light on the situation or offer any suggestions.  

-           Looking for a father figure                   

Dear Looking,

As a mother bear looking out for her cubs, it sounds like you have found a ‘father figure’ for them in their stepfather, who may be more tuned in to your children than it seems.  Teenagers often want more independence and ‘space’ from their parents. And the relationships are different because the kids are changing. Research reveals that parental involvement and closeness tend to decline during adolescence for both nonresident fathers and stepfathers as adolescents strive for more autonomy, time with peers, and other outside activities.                                                                  

 I wonder if you’ve asked your children how they feel about how things in the family are going. Some people like to have discussions at dinner about these kinds of things or have a ‘family meeting’ once a week to talk about any issues that need addressing.  Kids usually aren’t chomping at the bit to do this kind of thing, but it can be illuminating and help everyone stay connected in a deeper way.

Children who have a close relationship with a father figure do tend to get better grades and have more traits that foster resiliency. You might find it interesting that twenty-five percent of U.S. adolescents report having and enjoying close relationships with both a stepfather and a nonresidential father. And while twenty-four percent of adolescents report being close to neither father, the most common situation is one where adolescents report being close only to the stepfather (35%); only 16% of adolescents report being close only to the nonresident father.  Generally, a good relationship with a stepfather can be just as beneficial as a good relationship with a nonresidential father.  One of the factors determining how close children are to their stepfather is the quality of the marital relationship.  Adults who are happily married may be more available to the children; and the kids tend to be more accepting of their stepfather if they see the marriage as a positive thing for their mother.

Referenced used for this article: The Antecedents and Consequences of Adolescents' Relationships With Stepfathers and Nonresident Fathers, Valarie King, Department of Sociology, The Pennsylvania State University, 211 Oswald Tower, University Park, PA 16802 ; J Marriage Fam. 2006 November; 68 (4): 910-928

My presentation "Positive Psychology, Blended Families, and Stepparenting" given at UCSD on March 10, 2009 is available on the web at the following link: